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14 July 2017

How ‘penis recognition technology’ could be the new TouchID

THERE are some inventions you know will change the world and I wholeheartedly believe this company’s “proprietary penis recognition tech” is one such example.

Operating with the belief fingerprint scanners and facial recognition technology is passé, webcam platform CamSoda has made it possible to use your penis as your password — about time!

As of today, the dick-ometrtics platform will give men the chance to use their penis for something more practical while positioned in front of the computer.

To use the service, users will need to supply the website with a picture of their old fella, which will be stored in the system to assist the proprietary penis recognition tech.

While the concept is probably not the best to use while commuting on a train during peak hour, CamSoda’s vice president Darren Press said it has its advantages.

“In order to ensure personal data is safeguarded against unwarranted individuals, biometrics have become progressively popular for its ability to provide a layer of security that is impenetrable,” he said, making me laugh at his choice of the word impenetrable.

Mr Press added that dick-ometrics takes biosecurity to the next level.

“Like a fingerprint and an eyeball, which are two of most commonly used body parts in biometric technologies, the penis has many, many differentiating factors like size, colour and vein protrusion,” he said.

“However, unlike fingerprints and eyeballs, penises are not exposed to the public a lot of the time and mostly kept under clothing and shared with loved ones — presumably who are trusted.”

In order to not discriminate, CamSoda said it has plans to develop similar technology for women, but something about it smells fishy.

CamSoda was founded in 2014 and features live broadcasts of adult superstars and models “performing” in a camera-filled house.

It must be mentioned that CamSoda has a history of trolling, with a video of a woman being ravaged by a shark turning out to be a publicity stunt for the smut site.

Do you like the sound of proprietary penis recognition tech? Continue the conversation in the comments below or with Matthew Dunn on Facebook and Twitter.

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